I tried to masturbate daily but most of the time I didn’t feel like it. It didn’t seem real. I just wanted to jump right ahead to sex. I began to feel self-conscious about not masturbating. I was afraid I needed to try to have sex.

I messaged every girl I was “friends” with on Myspace, except for two goth girls who had added me. One girl messaged me back. We had met on Myspace through a Green Day fan group. She emailed me photos of herself wearing tank tops and short shorts. She seemed eager to meet me. She lived in the next town over. She told me to come over that weekend because her parents were out of town. I told her maybe some other time. I told myself I didn’t want to bike that far. She said her parents wouldn’t be out of town again. I didn’t message her back until several weeks later. She said I had missed my chance.

Eventually, I quit my job and went back to school, but I was a couple years behind. I had done some home schooling at night with Father, so the only thing I was really behind in was age.

I stared at girls in my class. I stared at girls from the higher grades as I passed them in the hallway. The girls couldn’t tell that I was staring at them because my head was high above theirs. I still had to fidget around my dick.